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How to Ace a Theory Paper - The Easy Slacker Way
by savage on Thursday 05 May 2005

Key elements to writing a quality theory paper with the least amount of commitment. If you're looking for a great theory paper, study, define, develop, and probably don't drink while writing. I will be using my essay, The Dark Truth as reference throughout this article.

Step 1: Choose a text you've already read and have on hand. In my case I chose, "Batman: A Killing Joke" because the other two comics I wanted to use I couldn't find (my collection's a little messy right now).

There are two major reasons why you want to choose a text (and by text I mean anything from movie, book, art, music, etc) you have already read and have on hand. First, having read it, you have a greater mastery over that text than one you haven't read. We've all written papers on books we haven't read before, they tend to be quite bad. In a theory paper you're writing on theory you probably haven't read (cause if you have already read it then you wouldn't need, 'The Easy Slacker Way' - you're actually one of the so-called, 'good' students), so at least give yourself some edge. The great thing about theory is it's applicable to everything so it really doesn't matter what you choose.

Second, you want to have a text you have on hand cause you will be referencing it a lot in this paper. If you don't have the text on hand your just asking for trouble. More on that later.

Step 2: Choose a title for your essay. Choose the first thing that comes to mind, even if it's a really bad corny joke. This immediately gets something on the screen. You can change it later if you have time. Remember, at this point you don't really know what you're writing on anyway, so any title will do.

Step 3: Start writing.

Your opening paragraph is really just some over the top statement about your text. You end with some theoretical term you heard in class. Remember, you end with a statement that repeats itself.

For instance, "The Batman is the embodiment of the heterosexual, white, male ideal and as such is the enforcer of the heterosexual, white, male ideological state apparatus."

In this case, I made use of the ideological state apparatus. If you know what that (or the term you use) means, define it in a sentence or two before you use it. Otherwise, go for it and take the point off for not defining it before hand. Remember, you didn't study so you're not getting a perfect grade, just a close to perfect grade.

Step 4: The background

You write assuming your reader is educated but not necessarily aware of your text. So, you spend a lot of time writing some background on your text. As an essay, this provides the groundwork for your thesis to be explored. As a slacker, this gives you several pages of thoughtless filler.

Step 5: Tying it in

Eventually you will need to use theory. Now's your chance. Look through your essays that you were assigned to read. Find titles that seem close to what your thesis statement was. Then, scan them. Remember, the first and last sentence is the important part of each paragraph. If they read as though they relate to your topic, read the whole paragraph. Remember, when skimming, you are looking for key words. In theory, key words are usually really long and look made up.

So, you find some point where an essay might relate. You introduce that essay and quote. Remember when I said it was important to use a material on hand. Here's where it gets fun.

Step 6: Quote the hell out of it.

When you want to add length to a fiction piece, you add dialogue. When you want to add length to an essay, you quote.

Quoting shows you've read the stuff (which you really only read it while you were typing it in) and that you have an understanding of the works cause you knew what to quote (which you knew from reading titles of essays and skimming for key words).

The side benefit of this stage is that you now are learning a little of the theory simply because you are reading it and typing it (double exposure) and if you have time to proof read you get triple exposure to the material.

Always cite your source, it takes up more space and avoids that plagiarism (but it adds length to your piece so why wouldn't you cite?).

Quoting is fun because now it's a game of pong. You quote a theoretical essay then your source, back and forth. The idea is that you are showing how one relates to the other. Remember, you need to tie the quotes together so use transition sentences and paragraphs. This is where your own voice comes in.

Step 7: Your voice and theory

How do you actually write theory? Well, it's sorta the opposite of how you write any other reasonable essay. Normally in writing, you try to keep one sentence to talking about or explaining one idea. Then link ideas together in other sentences. In theory, the more ideas you can cram into a sentence, the better.

Here's an example from Althusser that I quoted (remember, this is only part of the sentence):

The individual, Althusser says, "behaves in such and such a way, adopts such and such a practical attitude, and what is more, participates in certain regular practices where are those of the ideological apparatus on which 'depend' the ideas which he has in all consciousness freely chosen as a subject?."

This also lends amusement to the short sentences you do write cause they will now stand out and seem powerful.

Also, Latin is fun. In fact, all arcane dead languages are fun. If you have an excuse to use it, do so. You don't get many excuses to use over the top dead language, so do so.

Dictionary.com is also a great friend to you. Use it to find spelling of words you think sound cool (just make sure you check the actual definition to make sure you use them right) and it also can help you find the definitions to what you are writing about (albeit those definitions should be used as help and not the sole source of your knowledge).

Step 8: The ending

Remember, your ending is suppose to be a conclusion to your piece. For us slackers, it's our note to ourselves on what the hell we just wrote. So, take a moment, grab a beer, and try to think to yourself what you just wrote. When you have an idea, that's your last paragraph. Use key words from your essay in that last paragraph (you should have already defined them through quotes and transitions above). DO NOT INTRODUCE A NEW KEYWORD IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH. If you have a keyword that you understand well enough to use as a summery of your essay use it in your essay before hand. That's gold. A concept you actually understand.

THE FOLLOWING STEPS ARE CONTINGENT ON HAVING ENOUGH TIME LEFT BEFORE THE PAPER IS DUE.

Step 9: The Proof Read

Start at the top of the essay, including title, and read out loud what you have written. Read it as if you were reading it in front of a large audience. You will hear the paper, you will hear the mistakes.

If you have a better title, now's the time to change it.

Fix any typos (there will be many) and reword sentences as needed. Remember the paper needs to flow and sound as through you know what you are talking about.

How do you tell if it flows and it sounds as through you know what you are talking about? If you burst out laughing while you are reading it then you did it right. Theoretically essays are absurd. From their sentence structure to their content, they are so over the top and alien to common conversation that they are funny when read out loud. So, laugh, smile, you succeeded.

Step 10: Proof Read Again (cause it still needs it)

If you have any time left after Step 9 then you probably allowed yourself a lot more time than then average slacker. Print out your paper (new medium, new point of view). Read it out loud again (always better) and then correct it on the computer while you find mistakes.

Step 11: If you haven't already done so, hand it in.

That's it. You follow these steps and you will have a perfectly valid theory paper. If you are normally a good writer, you can probably expect a B or an A. If you are an ok writer, C or B. If you are a bad writer, then what the hell are you doing in a theory class? Switch majors.

Now, what happens if you get a grade lower than you expected? You slacked off on the assignment, what did you expect to happen? I mean, seriously, this article, though potentially accurate, should by no means be what you rest your grade on. Really, if you had spent the time you spent reading this article reading some of your assigned essays you would probably be in a better space. But, too late. Good luck slacker.

- Savage

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